Epiphany

I used to do the shoulder stand or Sarvangasana all the time as a kid. I used to pretend I was a ballerina and point my toes to the air and pretend to dance. Sarvangasana is known as the high queen of asanas and I LOVE it. For some reason it makes me feel more relaxed and centered. Class today was challenging, we were working on upper body strength, not my strong suit. So imagine my shock when we were doing push ups that my arms didn't just give out on me and say "NO! you can't make me!" like a spoiled whiny 3 year old.

After class I was thinking about how much stronger I am feeling physically compared to a few months ago. When I remember a few years ago when I was first released from the hospital, I remember the shock of not being physically capable of walking very far or climbing up a hill. It took months of pushing myself and moving to get my body OK with normal everyday activities, much less a sport or form of exercise.

My body is now in the best shape of my life and I can't think of a single insecurity I feel with it. I am amazed by the human body and the things that will power and strength can do for the body and for the soul. Maybe this sounds cocky or arrogant but after my brush with death, I thought I would never feel about my body the way I felt at 19. I was terrified after I got out of the hospital that no one would ever think I was beautiful ever again. I felt like something inside me was hurt and ugly, and while my body healed many of the hurts, my soul held onto the pain of being marked by chance. Vain? Definitely, but you try being a woman in today's society with 75% of her body covered in scars. It's hard. Sam, my boyfriend; was and still is amazing and thinks I am beautiful no matter what I think I look like. But it wasn't until earlier today that I realized that I finally think I am beautiful again, and that pain that I have kept inside is gone. Maybe it was the passage of time, and I am sure that definitely helped, but I feel like it was yoga, and the practice of "no harm" thinking. Silly as it sounds, but the mental clarity and the physical changes can't be ignored. At least not by me.

Sick face

So I was sick with the flu on Wednesday in yoga. Luckily everyone else in class was wanting a really mellow class so I went and was on my back all class. It was great to stretch my sick and weak muscles. I told Stephanie I was sick before class started and she was so amazing about it. She just said "Listen to your body and take care of it. You can stay in Savasana (corpse pose) all class if you need to. " Savasana is our meditation pose for the class and it is wonderful to go within yourself and actually spend time with no one but yourself. I did the stretches with the class but it was the extra time we spent in Savasana Wednesday that was amazing. I worked really hard to stay present through my stomach churning with unabated rage at life and my limbs alternately sweating and chilling with my fever. Obviously maintaining the meditation was difficult, looking back I shouldn't have gone to class but I am glad I did if for nothing but the extra meditation time. I keep myself pretty good company. :)

Noggin

So as one would imagine, today we were doing Shirshasana, or a head stand. It is known as the high king of asanas, with the shoulder stand or Sarvangasana as the high queen. Shoulder stands are awesome and I always feel so relaxed and energetic after I do one. However, based on my copious falling over this morning I am pretty sure people were not meant to stand of their heads. Although if you read about how good this pose, along with the other asanas are for you, one would think that humans have been walking upside down forever. The inverted stance relives pressure on your heart and helps the cardiovascular system, the lymphatic system the nervous system and the endocrine system. Weird right? Look it up, I am not lying.

Stephanie gave us an interesting instruction today. She said to remain in the present. I don't know about anyone else but I am rarely in the present, I am constantly thinking about last week, next week or even 5 minuets ago. How often do you spend exactly in the present? Even in conversation I sometimes catch myself in my own thoughts and have to snap back to reality. I personally always get a little weirded out by this, especially when I am driving somewhere. I suddenly am there and I don't remember driving there with any particular detail. Everyone goes on autopilot occasionally but I wonder what I would be like if I was consistently in the present. Would I be a better listener? A better coworker, friend, girlfriend or student? In this world of high tech distractions I wonder if any of us are ever in the present for any length of time.

Ouchie

Stephanie always says in class that your body is diffrent everyday and to accept the differences as they are and work with them. Never has that been more apparent to me than today. All of my muscles felt tight and unyielding, some were sore and altogether just pissed off at me. I was having trouble with many of the basic poses that we do every class and it was taking most of my concentration to stop thinking negatively about myself. When we began to do crow position or Bakasana,-> I was excited because I have usually been able to do this position and hold it for at least a few seconds. I totally biffed it. Not that I am embarrassed about it, I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to do the one pose I know my body KNOWS how to do. It was really hard to stay positive after that today. Bummers. I wish my body would just be flexible all the time, is that too much to ask?! More yoga is required.

Freedom

Today yoga was all about pushing myself to the next level. I had to pull myself back from negative thinking several times especially while trying Half Moon pose. Wow did it hurt! Stretching like that, trying to maintain my balance and breathing steadily was hard enough. I caught myself several times thinking negatively and every time I fell over. I didn't topple to my doom but I barely caught myself several times! Gotta be a Positive Polly!!

The instructor said something today that I really liked a lot and it seemed to help. She said to find the freedom in your body. I took that to mean to find the happy place between what you can and cannot do. Also, to be content with the freedom that you find in your mind and the power you find in your body each day and in each breath.

On a related note, I can finally touch my toes again!!!! I haven't been able to do that since I was 13 or younger! I almost yelled I was so excited! Stephanie, the instructor, looked at me smiling and grabbing my toes in glee, like a baby who just discovered them and asked me what I was so excited about. I told her about my accomplishment and she cheered with me. I know it is a small thing, but it is a small bit of happy proof that all of the hard work is paying off. GO ME!!

Dance

So the only dance class that would fit with my school schedule was Yoga! I have been going to yoga twice a week for the past 3 weeks and I am loving it! I am less stressed now, going to school and work than I was just working. Yoga has helped me open my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking about others, the world and myself. My yoga instructor has us practice thinking in a "no harm" mind set all the time. It is really hard!

Try it. Try for one day. Hell, try for one hour to not think any negative thoughts about yourself or the people around you. No judgments, no critiques, just positive energy all the time. It is probably the most difficult homework assignment I have ever received.

I think we as humans are constantly judging one another for various reasons, weight, clothing, actions, voice, even laugh. The thoughts are non stop and usually unconscious because we have learned in a pack society, we have to maintain our status in the pack by showing those below us that they are, in fact, below us. When in reality, we are all human, and we all have faults and flaws that another person can and will use against us.

The thoughts against others are difficult to stop, but once you become aware of them you can always bring your mind back into check and think something positive instead. The hardest part about this assignment for me has been the "no harm" thinking about myself.

I have always thought I have an OK self confidence level, not great but it's not low either. What I didn't realize is that the nonstop internal commentary I run on myself is so much more frequent and much more vicious than the things I think about others. It took a long and difficult class to even realize I was doing it much less how frequently.

I was in triangle position or Trikonasana, (above)and I kept thinking "Jenn, you are doing it wrong, and you are such a dork for even trying to do yoga, you are as flexible as board! Why the hell are you here?!" The instructor looked around and I don't know what made her say it, maybe intuition or maybe my face was showing her my lagging self confidance, but she just said to the class,"Remember No Harm! Stop thinking any negative thoughts about others and especially yourself. Be at peace with your body."

I realized that all of the negativity I was putting on myself was what was holding me back from really enjoying myself. I am not saying that the thoughts went away all at once, they didn't. They are still not totally gone. But I am always working on it, and I am discovering that I really do like my body and myself so much more than ever before.

Challenges

I have always just floated by; never really challenging myself because when something gets too hard for me I usually give up or find something else to do. I have a tendency to do what comes easiest to me and say fuck everything else. It's a character flaw and I know it, I have been working really hard to realize when I am doing it and change. The other day I was thinking that I have held myself back for too long with this behavior and it is time for a challenge.

The Challenge: I am the awkward girl with 2 left feet. I have next to no sense of rhythm and I am pretty clumsy on my best day. But I LOVE dancing, I suck, but I love it. I am going to sign up for a dance class next semester. I have yet to decide which type of dance to do but Turkish/Egyptian dance looks like the most fun.

My Goal: To go to class every day and put everything I've got into it, no matter how hard it is. Actually FINISH the semester.

I am going to come home from class and write about it and what I am learning, maybe even post a video if it is not too embarrassing. ;)