Monday, October 11, 2010

Epiphany

I used to do the shoulder stand or Sarvangasana all the time as a kid. I used to pretend I was a ballerina and point my toes to the air and pretend to dance. Sarvangasana is known as the high queen of asanas and I LOVE it. For some reason it makes me feel more relaxed and centered. Class today was challenging, we were working on upper body strength, not my strong suit. So imagine my shock when we were doing push ups that my arms didn't just give out on me and say "NO! you can't make me!" like a spoiled whiny 3 year old.
After class I was thinking about how much stronger I am feeling physically compared to a few months ago. When I remember a few years ago when I was first released from the hospital, I remember the shock of not being physically capable of walking very far or climbing up a hill. It took months of pushing myself and moving to get my body OK with normal everyday activities, much less a sport or form of exercise.
My body is now in the best shape of my life and I can't think of a single insecurity I feel with it. I am amazed by the human body and the things that will power and strength can do for the body and for the soul. Maybe this sounds cocky or arrogant but after my brush with death, I thought I would never feel about my body the way I felt at 19. I was terrified after I got out of the hospital that no one would ever think I was beautiful ever again. I felt like something inside me was hurt and ugly, and while my body healed many of the hurts, my soul held onto the pain of being marked by chance. Vain? Definitely, but you try being a woman in today's society with 75% of her body covered in scars. It's hard. Sam, my boyfriend; was and still is amazing and thinks I am beautiful no matter what I think I look like. But it wasn't until earlier today that I realized that I finally think I am beautiful again, and that pain that I have kept inside is gone. Maybe it was the passage of time, and I am sure that definitely helped, but I feel like it was yoga, and the practice of "no harm" thinking. Silly as it sounds, but the mental clarity and the physical changes can't be ignored. At least not by me.

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