Monday, April 27, 2009


There are some days when I feel like I have completely failed at life in general. This may sound pretty emo but I am feeling rather emo at the moment so please forgive the self indulgent pity party I am currently throwing myself.
I feel like everyone out there in the world is succeeding and moving forward, towards their hopes, dreams and goals. I feel as though I am not. I know my life has been difficult as well as the fact that I have less parental involvement/ aid than many of my peers. I have been hospitalized for months, slapped down under a mountain of debt and have a job that will most likely not take me anywhere. Everyone else in my peer group is growing up, graduating college, getting paid internships in foreign countries, getting married and even having babies. Don't get me wrong, the babies bit I would gladly continue to be without but everything else I would give vital organs for.
A friend of mine I haven't seen in almost a year saw my boyfriend of 4 years and I out smoking today. She and I started college together, she is one of the few people who is a religion major and we hit it off at freshman orientation. We attended many of the same religion and language classes together for two years. When I was forced to drop out of school due to my financial inability to go to school full time and work 60 hours a week we lost contact. She walked up to me today like we never lost a day and we began chatting. She is graduating this next month and attending grad school with a full ride scholarship. She is also getting married in August to a guy she has been with for a few years now. I said all of the necessary congratulations that a friend says to another and I am truly happy for her success and good fortune. However I am also green with envy and feel my heart breaking at the thought that I have not and will not achieve what she has for her life. My goals in life are to graduate college with a PHD in Religion, travel and study different cultures and religions through experience and to make a name for myself and a better life for my family than I had. It's depressing to know that the likelihood of that happening at this point in my life is slim to none. The mountain of debt never seems to shift, which prevents any return to school plans or travel for that matter.
I wrote a paper my freshman year of college on why I decided to go to college instead of working or joining the army. My answer was this; I will work my hardest to succeed and achieve all of the goals I set for myself. The mind is the only muscle worth working out, without it we are all a bunch of brainless idiots running around shooting one another without any inkling of why. I want to know why.
No one ever told me it would have been easier to go kill people for 4 years than to attempt to put myself through college.

Friday, April 24, 2009


After a hellish week of uncontrolled screaming children, boiling lava hot milk explosions and wannabe Picasso shit paintings on the bathroom stalls I am free for 4 days. Thank you to every Deity out there in the swirling cosmos. On another note; anyone hear about the preserved baby mammoth they found in Siberia? Check it out!
I thought it was funny that some poor reindeer herder found it. HA! Imagine him just running along with Dasher and Dancer and falling face first into a mammoth carcass! .. Anywho, the sun has returned to my beautiful little slice of the earth everyone belongs out under it's cancerous UV rays including myself. Peace.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


I love blogging. It opens the mind to be free from typical human interaction. It is a rare thing to find two people in the world who can openly and 100% honestly communicate with one another. Becoming completely honest with someone in person is terrifying because there isn’t that layer of bullshit to support and pad opinions. It is becoming mentally naked and free. You never know how much that toasty layer of bullshit encumbers the process of thought. You are exposed on the rooftop of a skyscraper open to all of the incessant and painful pecking of the world, but you are also opening yourself to a whole new concept of communication. Usually it takes years of being in a relationship, or a plethora of medication to reach truthfulness when you are facing a person. No matter what people may say, no one is being honest with you. I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years and I know that there are still “unsaid feelings” and white lies. Watching couples come to my store I can see the love with resentment and tension that exists in every relationship. I want to try this whole becoming purely honest thing, but I know that the moment I do there will be fiery retribution.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Day off

The rather pathetic thing is that without work I get listless and restless. (Yep at the same time) I enjoy my job and all of the crazies that go along with it, work makes my life interesting. I practically live at my job so this blog will probably include multiple stories of insane caffeine addicted persons, screaming children I kicked in the road mentally as well as my usual banter. I am convinced that I will acquire lung cancer soon from the plethora of waste and foul substances that are spewed from the bowels of humanity and haphazardly land around-ish my trash cans.

I have a question for all parents of small children; why can’t you throw your child’s pea green toxic diaper in the trash can?! There is one outside; big metal box says waste receptacle on it… it won’t melt my eyebrows out there. Please for the love of all that is beautiful in this world throw it away outside. Better yet, why don’t you toss it at home? You chose to breed, YOU clean up the mess. I don’t get paid even close to enough to pick up after your evil smelling spawn.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Talking to myself

Blogging; the opportunity to talk to yourself without anyone looking at your loony ass and suddenly deciding to clutch their gold Jesus on a cross and the rhinestone studded,pampered pooch a little closer. Yes, the crazy redhead attempting to shoot up espresso and chain smoking will most definitely want to take "Princess Fluffy Balls" home. Only if my dust bunnies can eat it.