Monday, April 27, 2009


There are some days when I feel like I have completely failed at life in general. This may sound pretty emo but I am feeling rather emo at the moment so please forgive the self indulgent pity party I am currently throwing myself.
I feel like everyone out there in the world is succeeding and moving forward, towards their hopes, dreams and goals. I feel as though I am not. I know my life has been difficult as well as the fact that I have less parental involvement/ aid than many of my peers. I have been hospitalized for months, slapped down under a mountain of debt and have a job that will most likely not take me anywhere. Everyone else in my peer group is growing up, graduating college, getting paid internships in foreign countries, getting married and even having babies. Don't get me wrong, the babies bit I would gladly continue to be without but everything else I would give vital organs for.
A friend of mine I haven't seen in almost a year saw my boyfriend of 4 years and I out smoking today. She and I started college together, she is one of the few people who is a religion major and we hit it off at freshman orientation. We attended many of the same religion and language classes together for two years. When I was forced to drop out of school due to my financial inability to go to school full time and work 60 hours a week we lost contact. She walked up to me today like we never lost a day and we began chatting. She is graduating this next month and attending grad school with a full ride scholarship. She is also getting married in August to a guy she has been with for a few years now. I said all of the necessary congratulations that a friend says to another and I am truly happy for her success and good fortune. However I am also green with envy and feel my heart breaking at the thought that I have not and will not achieve what she has for her life. My goals in life are to graduate college with a PHD in Religion, travel and study different cultures and religions through experience and to make a name for myself and a better life for my family than I had. It's depressing to know that the likelihood of that happening at this point in my life is slim to none. The mountain of debt never seems to shift, which prevents any return to school plans or travel for that matter.
I wrote a paper my freshman year of college on why I decided to go to college instead of working or joining the army. My answer was this; I will work my hardest to succeed and achieve all of the goals I set for myself. The mind is the only muscle worth working out, without it we are all a bunch of brainless idiots running around shooting one another without any inkling of why. I want to know why.
No one ever told me it would have been easier to go kill people for 4 years than to attempt to put myself through college.

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